Changing Rooms

09 October 2012

Change is a funny thing, most of us spend a great deal of our lives resisting and ignoring reasons to change. Yet, when we think about our world both the personal kind and the geographical kind, change is essentially the basis of what and who we are, it governs us from birth to death.  We begin changing from the moment of conception to the moment of death, as human beings we have to.  A baby must learn to recognise its mother for survival and there begins its process of changing who it is; to progress, to learn, to adapt and to separate from its maternal care.  Surely a remarkable change for such a small, vulnerable person?  And whilst we change so does the world around us, the seasons, the weather and the natural world continues to evolve, be it that you llive in rural India or urban London.  So why, as human beings do we resist change in so many ways in our lives and indeed why does it seem to frighten us into defensive behaviours sometimes?  Who hasn't been infuriated to arrive at the office and find our desk has been moved or our chair swapped?  Who hasn't known someone who refuses to try a new or different food, regardless of if they know they like it or not?  What parent hasn't sadly looked back at their baby becoming a toddler or their 4 year old leaving nursery and moving onto school? Change unsettles and frightens people, rational reasoning goes out of the window and is replaced with historical fear and insecurities.  Its only when we understand the root of these fears and process the reaction in a more balanced way that we can truly embrace change and not be scared by the inevitability of what life brings.  Our modern lives continue to move forward sometimes at a pace we find difficult to cope with and adjust to.  Time and space to work out why those fears are so present and in the moment can help make sense of these worries.

 

 

Can you love too much?

10 July 2012

It’s an interesting concept, can we love another person too much?  Is there ever a possibility that someone’s love for another person can overstep the mark to affect the ability to have a healthy mutually satisfying relationship?  This is sometimes known a a co-dependant relationship.

Co dependency is a learned behaviour.  It is often passed down via generations and can be known as a relationship ‘addiction’.  Originally, co-dependant was a term used to describe partners of those in drug/alcohol addictions, the person who for some unknown reason, believed they could ‘cure’ the addict, no matter how abusive or damaging the addicts behaviour had become.

Today, we use the term to describe people displaying similar patterns of behaviour in relationships with family, friends or even co-workers.  So why would someone stay in a relationship that was emotionally or even physically abusive?? And why would someone leave an abusive relationship only to miraculously find out their new partner un-be knowingly displays the same traits?

A co-dependant person can seem to have an overly exaggerated sense of responsibility to others; they believe they must sacrifice their own needs or desires for the good of others.  The problem lies where their very self worth is based on this need from the other person to be rescued or looked after, thereby giving the co-dependant person reward and satisfaction from being needed and valued.

As some of us have experienced in life, giving too much of ones self is a dangerous path to take.  We negate our own needs and desires; we end up resentful and angry often with an expectation that if we can sacrifice all our needs, then why isn’t the other person doing the same for us??   A co-dependant person continues on this destructive course as ‘caretaker’, always looking for the reward and satisfaction of being needed.  Very often the co-dependant feels choiceless and helpless, in a self enforced ‘victim’ state, constantly seeking those who ‘need’ more of them, need more love, more care, more dependence.

Breaking this damaging cycle is made easier by understanding ‘why?’ via therapy.  Co-dependency is often played out by our parents and their parents before them and by exploring childhood issues and their relationship with current destructive behaviours its very possible to re-discover hidden and ignored feelings that need to be acknowledged and validated.  It can be very freeing for the co-dependant to learn to say ‘no’, to be loving yet firm and self reliant.  It is possible to find honesty and freedom in a genuine relationship where both parties honour themselves and their relationship.

 

 

What to expect from your therapy or counselling....

16 April 2012

Therapy can be a daunting and mystical idea to some.  Having never ventured into the counselling room before, a whole host of preconceived ideas may be cursing around your head, along with all the inevitable anxieties surrounding ‘going into therapy’ for the 1st time!

Throughout our lives, we encounter people in the healing professions and generally have a good expectation of how they and we are supposed to behave.  When we see our GP for example, we know we should get help with a physical ailment, in a confidential setting and more help if the condition doesn’t clear up.

So what should we expect from our therapist or counsellor?  Surely the same standard of professional service and care as from any other healthcare provider but what else?  As a new client, many don’t know what to expect but also what is or isn’t ‘normal’ in therapy and if their worries are valid or unfounded and should be spoken out.

In the words of the BACP (The British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy – my governing body) ‘good therapy should feel safe and enable you to take risks with the issues you are prepared to work on.  This includes saying how you think that you and your therapist are working together’.  As a Humanistic Integrative Counsellor, I adhere to the BACP code of ethics.

Your first session will be about finding out more. More about you, more about your reasons for coming and more about what you expect and hope to achieve.  During this assessment session, I, as your counsellor may ask detailed questions about your personal history including questions about your family and close relationships around you.  As family situations play such an important role in who we are, this info gives me an understanding of where you fit into your family dynamic and how it affects you.

During our first session, I would also take written notes.  This will normally be the only time I would take notes, a normal session would not involve note taking, only talking and listening.

You as the client will have space and time to explain why you have come to counselling and indeed, what you expect from it.  This again will give us a platform to discuss expectations and set realistic goals for our work.  You can also ask any questions you may have at any time during our work together.

We may agree together a set number of sessions to start with, followed by a review to asses where we go from then onwards.  Alternatively, you may feel more comfortable taking things week by week with no short term end to work towards….

 

What’s expected from you - the client?

From my private and comfortable Crouch End treatment room, I would encourage you to be honest and open, be curious and brave to ask any questions you need to and most importantly, when you feel ready and safe, to express your feelings and emotions openly.

Therapy or counselling is not a quick fix; it is a process which both sides must trust in to enable to work to progress. I have always believed that therapy is not about change, it is about choices.  The ability to make and have access to different choices that previously, one didn’t imagine were available.  I hope the strong therapeutic relationship that I work towards and value greatly aids this very valuable journey to a more peaceful place.

 

 

Therapy – helping unearth the unconscious mind.

16 March 2012

A recent BBC 2 Horizon programme brought to us the notion that our unconscious has far more control and influence over our lives than we might think.

Scientists have discovered that what we believe we set out to do and what we actually do are two very different things, with our unconscious making decisions we are not even aware of.

So are we really in control of our own lives?  Many of us would think so…..yet each day, life continues around us, we work, live, interact, bring up families, study and generally do what needs to be done.  And sometimes , during our busy lives we repeat harmful, dangerous, hurtful and destructive behaviours over and over again.  What makes someone repeat damaging behaviours and what stops us in our tracks long enough to take a long hard look and decide to make some changes?

The forefather of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud believed that the unconscious could indeed be accessed and in turn be analysed to enable the client to reach a place of real enlightenment.  This analytical process would have normally taken place twice of even thrice weekly over a period of many years.  Freud paid enormous attention to the dreams his client had and believed they offered a window to the unconscious mind, a way of enabling the client to see within themselves and make sense of situations and behaviours they may not want to repeat.

Freud was right in many ways, and scientists still believe that dreams can offer an insight into the unconscious. In the modern day counselling room, us practitioners value and work with dreams and the images and meanings they can represent.

So the role played by our unconscious mind is shaping our lives whilst we have no awareness of it and even more shockingly, how your conscious thoughts may differ from it!

Take for example the subject of smoking or eating unhealthy food too often. What makes us repeat these behaviours, knowing full well that they are damaging to our health?? How as intelligent beings do we continue to make these choices whilst logically knowing how bad those choices are??  Our unconscious seems to have a level of optimism no conscious mind would tolerate!

So how can therapy help these damaging behaviours become more manageable and how can it help us stop ignoring the negative effects on our lives?

A more modern style of analysis that I regularly use is known as Psychodynamic s.  This takes the essence of Freud’s work and tries to link the dynamics between conscious and unconscious.  As a Humanistic Integrative practitioner, my job is to use my extensive learning to work in a psychodynamic style and integrate a helpful, empathic, genuine and warm range of therapies that all combine to help my clients unearth the unconscious and begin to make different choices in life.

Therapy isn’t about change - it’s about having more choices, the choices that one previously didn’t think were available.  It’s about opening one’s mind to a different way of being, to lead a more genuine and full filling life.  I hope my work continues to help my clients make better and different choices.

 

 

 

Me an alcoholic??

21 February 2012

With the rise of alcohol related deaths reaching near epidemic proportions, you may of seen Alistair Cambell's documentary last night covering the subject. Having worked within an addiction centre for the best part of a year, I too have seen the carnage addiction can throw individuals and their families into.  So could you be having a more in depth and complicated relationship with alcohol that is healthy or safe? Could you be an alcoholic?

The Office For National Statistics findings show the professional classes are the most frequent drinkers. Are there more hidden alcoholics around than we think? It seems to be the case. It may be difficult to classify yourself as an alcoholic if you immediately associate the word with the homeless, park benches and cheap cider in a paper bag.  You may think holding down an important job, having a family and a good social life precludes you from being classed as an alcoholic.  An alcoholic is defined as someone who's life is being affected adversely by alcohol. This could mean your family and friends are worried about you, you may feel ashamed and embarrassed of your drinking and in turn hide and lie about the quantity of alcohol being consumed.  You could frequently drink more than you intend to or even black out and forget what happened when you were drunk.  Of course some people manage to juggle their addiction with a seemingly 'normal' life and this is where the incongruence of the situation comes about.  So how does someone who abuses alcohol seek help?

A level of honesty is the first step.  If you are unable to admit that drinking is affecting your life in a hurtful and damaging way (not to mention family and friends around you) you may not be able to engage in recovery.  Recovery is nigh on impossible to achieve without help and support of some description, if it was, lots of people would be able to stop drinking just because they wanted to.  Help comes in many guises, including the excellent 12 step process offered by groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous.  But fundamentally, there are reasons that need to be explored to understand why you turned to alcohol in the first place and that is where counselling can help.  Counselling can help people to understand their addiction and address the psychological issues behind it.  It can help the individual learn strategies for change to help them change destructive behaviours.  As always, therapy is a challenging journey but one that can support recovery and the continuous need for keeping that recovery safe.  Staying alcohol free long term will mean learning healthier life strategies and dealing with underlying symptoms that may have lead someone to alcohol abuse such as depression, stress, unresolved trauma or any number of mental health issues.  Such problems may become more prominent without the safety blanket of alcohol to cover them up.  By dealing with them in a sober state, supported by a counsellor, a client should be able to finally deal with them in a healthier more beneficial way.

 

 

Welcome to my website

14 February 2012

Hello and thanks for coming to my new site.  This is my 1st posting and is the place where I will try and update you regularly with any newsworthy or interesting postings surrounding the subject of counselling, therapy, mental health and general emotional well-being.

In our busy, stressful and challenging lives, we are all faced with a range of predicaments that we try to work through, overcome and move on from.  Sometimes, these problems leave echo's in our lives that just aren't helpful or comfortable to live with any more. Hurtful relationships, death of a loved one, unjust situations at work....whatever they may be, I hope counselling will help to bring focus, clarity and peace back to your life as it has for many, many others.

 

Counselling & Psychotherapy